The following are excerpts from Bible Corps' bulletin board, preceding the latest revision of their smash-hit, number one best selling book.

Midnight Release Party!

Join us for the release extravaganza of a life time at your nearest LifeWay for the midnight release of the New New American Revised Standard Bible.
Come as your favorite bible character! Whether it be a bloodied Abel, a post digestion Jonah, or a festering Lazarus, everyone is included. Awards will be given out for the most pious costume!

What: New New American Revised Standard Bible
Where: Local LifeWay
When: Midnight
Why: For God’s Greater Glory!

Remember, we’re all sinners in the eyes of God, so sultry and sexy costumes are encouraged!

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Dear AFL-CIO members,

We at the Bible Corp thank you for your generous contribution to the Bible Remodeling Fund. As per our discussion, we have made the requested changes to the Fourth Commandment. Please find the revisions below:

“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Thou shalt labor five days at an average minimum salary of $87,000 per year with holidays; if forced to labor past dusk, thou shalt provide overtime of a time and a half. Thou shalt also fashion a comprehensive health care plan, except in the territories of Michigan, Iowa and Tennessee.
And the LORD said yea, and it was good.”
We look forward to your next contribution.

Best,
John Mikelson, Managing Editor
Bible Corp.

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BIBLE CORP. MEMO
To: John Mikelson, Managing ed., Bible Corp.
From: Paul Phillips, Dir. Of Marketing, Bible Corp.
RE: Diversifying the Last Supper

John,
Per our conversation yesterday with regard to the Disciples only representing a single segment of the population—heterosexual white males—I make the following suggestion: integrate certain lobbying bodies who may be interested in purchasing “sponsorship” of an individual disciple. Suggested sponsorships from lobbies I’ve been in contact with:

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays—Bi-curious disciple.
21st Street Co-Op—Vegan disciple
Official Elvis Fan Club—Elvis disciple
Texas Instruments—Robot disciple

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To: BIBLE CORP
From: Planned Parenthood
RE: Mary’s Choice

To whom it may concern,
As strong supporters of a woman’s right to choose, we think it prudent to make readers aware of the options available to the “Virgin” Mary upon the discovery of her unplanned pregnancy at the hand—or whomever—of a God who claimed to “love” her. You must agree that Mary appears to have been forced into her unfortunate situation due to the pressures of her patriarchal society. Who knows, access to abortion and adoption could have enabled her to go on to head a Fortune 500 company. Education is our most powerful weapon against the tragedy of unwanted children. Perhaps we can talk about a “Mary’s Choice” web extra about contraceptive options, as a supplement to one or more Gospels?

Signed,
Cecille Richards
Director, Planned Parenthood

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To: BIBLE CORP
From: Greenpeace
RE: Fewer pages

To whom it may concern,
In an effort to preserve our natural habitat, in particular trees, we would like to propose a reduction in the number of pages printed in the revised Bible. Specifically, we believe that the chapters of Obadiah, Lamentations, and Malachi should be removed completely, as they add no real value. We also feel that the Book of Revelation should be shortened to the following:
“Everybody dies. The end.”
Further, we believe that God’s statement, “Let there be light,” in Genesis should be changed to, “Let there be light provided by energy efficient fluorescent bulbs.”
Implementing these changes will save millions of precious trees vital to our fragile ecosystem. We hope to receive your full support on this matter.

For the earth,
Joel Stern
Executive Director, Greenpeace

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Nabisco(R) Introduces Holy Grain Toastal Wafers: Packed with the Power of Christ plus Vitamins and Minerals!
Move over Blessed Sacrament, there’s a new host in town that delivers all of the nutrition of the Holy Communion, but with half the calories and sodium! With the world adopting a more health-conscious attitude, the time has come to accept low-carbs into your heart. Never has there been a better chance to try a new brand of hostal wafer. And with 60 percent less fat than the leading bones of Christ, new Holy Grain Toastal Wafers are baked with 100% whole grain and provide a good source of dietary fiber.
“We are excited to be introducing Nabisco(R) Holy Grain Toastal Wafers as a way
to provide a great new product offering to those looking for better-for-you Eucharist options,” said Roch A. Kereszty, senior brand manager of new product innovations at Nabisco.
Available in places of worship nationwide, Holy-Grain Toastal Wafers are a tasty part of a balanced Lord’s Supper. Try one now!