AUSTIN—In another brutal attack by insurgents, or whomever it was, 48 civilians were killed and 67 injured in a place thankfully very far away from local man Henry Keeler.

Keeler was sitting on his sofa when he tuned into CNN and saw that 48 civilians were massacred in a place that, thank God, is not even close to where Keeler lives, and was probably in one of those Middle Eastern or Arab countries or something like that.

“When I first saw the news I was like, ‘oh man, that’s terrible,’” said Keeler as he sat comfortably in a place that is thousands of miles away from the dead civilians. “But then I realized that it didn’t even happen in the US and was just another one of those Pakistan things or whatever, and I switched it back to ‘Antique Road-Show.’”

“Or maybe it was Palestine,” added Keeler. “All I know is that a car filled with explosives did not crash into my home.”

Investigators are attempting to find out which terrorist organization was behind the attacks, but so far have few leads. They have, however, gathered conclusive evidence that the attacks happened nowhere near the vicinity of Henry Keeler, and that he has “absolutely nothing to worry about and should get back to his TV dinner.”

This is not first time Keeler has kept a safe distance from tragedy, as last month a Greyhound bus plunged into a gorge in an adjacent state. Upon learning about the accident and hearing that there were no survivors, Keeler was briefly distracted, but ultimately unharmed. “Yeah, I heard about that. I rode a Greyhound once, so that really hit close to home.”

While Keeler took the news of the numerous casualities of people he did not know in stride, his roommate, Jacob Bulbrook, was more visibly shaken, as ‘this guy he knows’ recently went backpacking through France, a country which both Keeler and Bulbrook agree is probably relatively close to where the car-bomb went off.

“It’s just a little hard to hear that news when someone you know once traveled to a country near where these atrocities happen,” said Bulbrook. “I hope to one day live in a world where I don’t have to be momentarily distracted by the countless deaths happening in other parts of the world that I haven’t heard of.”