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BRIEFS

March 2017 TUVALU—After years of feeling underappreciated in the music community, Tuvan throat singer Lkhagvyn Ganbaatar demanded... more
March 2017 CHICAGO—Yet another small child has been lost to the big meat machine, local meat boss announced. “I tell th’ kids not... more
March 2017 AUSTIN—Returning to his apartment after a long study session, area student Charles Kitschman was reportedly dismayed to... more

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AROUND CAMPUS

October 2009 • I shall choose trick! En garde, you candy hoarding fiend! • I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is a non-... more
September 2009 • No matter how long you stare, you won’t know if that Dasani bottle in your fridge is filled apple juice or piss until... more

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SPORTS

March 2011 WASHINGTON D.C.—Citing the remarkable accuracy of picks in the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament as evidence of a “... more
March 2011 INDIANAPOLIS—Following an exhaustive ten year investigation, the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA)... more
February 2011

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OPINION

March 2013 I’m a single, working mom. I cook. I clean. I’m up 24 hours a day making sure I stay tilted at precisely a 23-degree... more
March 2013 I know that living back in the old day must have sucked, since people had to deal with the Bubonic Plague, Inquisitions... more
March 2013 MILWAUKEE – I don’t know if it is just because of these crazy times we’re living in, but picking up women is a lot... more

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