Sexual abusers get record low five Academy Award nominations

LOS ANGELES — Sexual abusers around Hollywood woke up to dismay Monday after learning that they had received a record low five Academy Award nominations, following the progress made by the #MeToo movement. “It’s been a tough year for us, but we’ll bounce back once someone decides to give Woody Allen a lifetime achievement award,” said Louis C.K. apologist with a really edgy screenplay in the works, Carl Wheezer. “I’m still holding out for James Franco to win back the people by spinning The Disaster Artist as an allegory for women’s liberation.” At press time, new allegations have surfaced, bringing the nomination count back to its usual double digit level.
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