A new year is upon us, and with the new year comes new leadership for the Travesty—me. I’m the new leader of the Travesty. Isn’t that neat?
Anyway, I decided that I want to build more of a relationship with Travesty readers, and that the best way to do that would be to give an interview. And seeing as though I will be doing most of the interviews for the publication this year, I decided that it would only be fitting that I conduct the interview myself. I’ve thought it over and it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.
The other night I sat down in front of a mirror and had a nice heart-to-heart with myself. Here’s what happened:
Matt Ingebretson: So how’s it going?
Matt Ingebretson: Feeling kind of nauseous. What about you?
MI: I’m feeling a little nauseous as well. What do you think of the Obama administration so far?
MI: Wait, I told you not to ask me any questions about politics. I don’t want to talk about that.
MI: Look, I’m trying to cover all of the issues here. I’m not going to pull any punches. Now answer the damn question.
MI: You’re an asshole. Why are you antagonizing me? I told you to do a puff piece. We talked about this…
MI: I talked about this. Not you. Me.
MI: I hate you, Matt Ingebretson.
MI: Let’s try to be civil. Seriously, there’s a lot of great things happening with the Travesty this year.
MI: You’re right. The Travesty is going to have a stellar year. I’ve got a lot of jokes up my sleeve that I can’t wait to let out. I also have some pepper spray up my sleeve. And also a peanut butter sandwich in case I get hungry.
MI: When are you going to finish reading that book for class tomorrow?
MI: Oh, shit! I totally forgot about that. Have you read it? Can you tell me what it’s about?
MI: No, moron. Of course I haven’t read it.
MI: Alright, jackass, that’s it. You are being completely unprofessional about this whole thing. It’s my turn to do the interview. Step aside. I’m going to interview YOU now.
MI: No! [mind struggle]
MI: [more powerful mind struggle]
MI: Ha! Victory!
MI: So then ask me a question.
MI: Hypothetical scenario: You are being brutally attacked by a bear and it has torn off your arm. You are losing a lot of blood. Do you still pursue your life long dream of becoming a US Senator?
MI: I don’t want to be a senator.
MI: Well played.
MI: I’m tired of this. Can I be done yet?
MI: I guess so. Have we accomplished anything here.
MI: I’ve decided that it’s time for me to seek professional help.
MI: Well, at least we have each other to get through it.
MI: Matt, we’re the same person.
MI: I know.