This toddler had too many drinks from his sippy cup. Photo Creative Commons
CAPE COD—According to visitors at Bourne Park, an incredibly inconsiderate, obnoxious baby stampeded through the park screaming at the top of his lungs without any provocation, making a complete and total fool of himself Monday.
Park patrons reported that their visit to the park was all but ruined by the “jackass” toddler, whose actions they described as symptomatic of a belligerent and abusive alcoholic. On one occasion, the baby reportedly defecated in his own pants.
“That baby was a nuisance,” said Cape Cod resident, Tammy Mitchell, who reported the baby to the police after she witnessed the child throw up in the sandbox near the jungle gym. “I was having a lovely day at the park when all of the sudden this asshole baby starts crying and tugging at my pant leg.”
“I’m sure that little socio-path hadn’t even washed its filthy little hands,” added Mitchell.
Many residents were convinced that the toddler was intoxicated, as it had trouble walking without falling down and was slurring all of its words into incomprehensible jibberish.
“I couldn’t understand a single thing that drunk baby was saying,” said neighbor James Dahlin, who witnessed the toddler in question remove its own shirt and then pass out on the sidewalk. “He started drooling on himself. I left the number for the Alcoholics Anonymous hotline, but I think it might be too late for him.”
“That baby needs to pull himself together,” added Dahlin. “He’s a mess.”
To the relief of everyone at the park enduring the toddler’s uncontrolled tantrums, an adult picked him up off of the ground and placed him in the back of her car, where he proceeded to spit up on himself and then fall into a coma-like sleep.
While the toddler’s behavior at the park was deplorable, it is not the first time that his degenerative anti-social behavior has caused problems for people around him. His behavior at home blatantly disregards all cultural norms of a dignified human being.
“He’s a shit-storm; a constant bombardment of shit-storms,” said the baby’s distraught mother Candice Lannery, as she scraped off bits of creamed spinach stuck to the wall after the baby’s latest tantrum. “He has absolute no self-awareness, and treats me like I’m some sort of personal slave-bot.”
“I’m starting to lose my grip on things,” added Lannery. “Maybe I am a slave-bot.”
When asked to give a formal apology, the toddler simply grew enraged and screamed from the top of his lungs, expressing his immense displeasure with the world and his current situation. After being placed in time-out to reconsider his actions, the baby became even more irate and inconsolable.
“We’re just going to lock him up until he gets control of his emotions,” explained an exasperated Lannery. “Once he’s had some time to reconsider things, he can eventually be rehabilitated back into society, and finally get his boo-boo blanket back.”