Trump Plans To Distract Media By Giving Melania Bad Bangs

WASHINGTON — An anonymous source informed select press members of President Donald J. Trump’s plan to divert attention away from his various controversies by cutting horrendous bangs on the First Lady in her sleep. The report described the contents of his bedside drawer as, “a pair of salon scissors and a selection of diagrams all displaying bad bangs, which were then overlaid onto high-resolution pictures of Melania’s face.” The source also reported overhearing one of Trump’s top advisers mention an operation called “Project Melania Takes the Hit,” after which he shed a single tear and mumbled an ode to the First Lady’s sacrifice. While we are aware of the societal turmoil this story may cause, we hope its release will provide a sort of cushion for this future blow, so that when it comes, we may uncover whatever travesty the President is trying to divert attention from.


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