HOLLYWOOD — America’s favorite cyborg, Tobey Maguire, received every single male award during the 2018 Oscars, including Best Male Actor, which he was not even in the running for, after every other man in Hollywood was found guilty of sexual misconduct and thrown in a dungeon. “You know, I just want to thank everyone who played a role in getting me these awards. Harvey, thank you for starting the movement to get me my first of many Oscars. I could not have done this without you,” said Maguire through the immense amount of sobbing and body fluid being released. “I have had so many doors shut in my face because I am ‘not talented’ and ‘a huge let down’ but this proves everyone who has doubted me wrong, so screw you, Dad!” At press time, Maguire was forcibly removed from the podium and his agent has released news that he will be starring in a new blockbuster film Titanic 2: The Return of Jack.