Scientists Invent Less Humane Mousetrap For When It Gets Personal

MOUSEKETAWNY — Researchers at the Get The Bastard Company© have developed a less humane version of the classic mousetrap for when you want a mouse to have a slow, miserable death. “We were focused on making more efficient traps that put rodents out of their misery sooner,” said Nikolas Rayman, the head scientist for the company’s Center for Experimental Methods of De-Rodentification. “But then I had a bit of a rat problem myself. After the motherfucker got into my bedroom peanut butter, I realized what our customers really want: pain. There’s no sight quite like the look in a mouse’s eyes when it realizes its impending death. You think the fuckers don’t understand mortality? Use one of these babies and just listen. In the evening they’re squeaking for help, but by the time the sun comes up they’re squeaking for death.” At press time, Rayman was last seen packing leftover mouse corpses into a pizza box.


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