Schoolyard Bullies Expand Profit Margins, Take Teachers' Lunch Money Now

AUSTIN — Over the last several months, local ne'er-do-well Rainn Stains has been developing an innovative strategy that will bring his revenue to its highest peak in the six years he has been at Juanson Middle School. An eighth-grade student and first-rate antagonist, Stains has identified an interesting trend; as most of his classmates transition to Apple Pay and Venmo, they carry physical monies less frequently. "By targeting their pre-teen peers, bullies are severely limiting the cash flow which they achieve through schoolyard shakedowns," said Lunchlady Doris, an expert on playscape economics. "Rainn's entrepreneurship began when he noticed Vice Principal Dalton carrying a Sports Illustrated billfold." This bright-eyed swirlie sponsor now targets his instructors, who totally make, like, a million bucks a year, finding that he much prefers taped together ten dollar bills over Donnie Finch's chump change. Stains says that he prefers older prey due to their lack of agility and high propensities to succumb to osteoporosis. What will this booger-nosed brute do with his newfound wealth? "I'm going to allocate this capital towards some much needed inventory: grapefruit-sized spitballs."


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