James Blunt, Struggling To Reclaim Relevance, Writes Song About A Shawty He Met Once On A Drunk UberPool Ride

CALABASAS, CA — 12 years after the release of “You're Beautiful,” his smash hit love song dedicated to an unknown woman he stared at on a subway, James Blunt wants you to know he's "‘bout to hit the people with another panty dropper." Reporters found Mr. Blunt in a Calabasas boutique asking an employee if they had a shirt that had both a turtleneck and a deep V. "I like my neck to be smothered and my pecks to breathe," he explained before detailing his new EP. "It's about this thing that happened to me last Tuesday, right? Me 'n my boys were getting belligerent in the philosophy section of a Barnes and Nobies [sic] and we decided to UberPool home. That’s where I saw this naughty ‘lil shawty sitting next to me, so I leaned in really close and whispered, ‘Hey girl, do you want to smush to recordings of whale calls?’ That’s the moment she looked back at me and said ‘No.’ So I wrote this about our unrequited love.” Blunt paused for a moment to check his Twitter mentions. His right eye pooled with tears when he found he had zero notifications. He cleared his throat, “But um, anyway, this EP really captures the millennial zeitgeist. It drops this Christmas, so please buy my song.” He choked on a sob as he fiddled with the leather cuff on his wrist, “No for real, please buy my song.”


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