Christmas Back On After Prison Riot Results In 200 Dead And Santa Escaping

OSLO, NORWAY — Celebrators of our Christ’s birth, rejoice! For our nation’s holiday festivities and practices shall no longer be in vain this year after a massive riot at the Halden maximum-security prison in Østfold, Norway resulted in one Santa Claus regaining his much desired freedom at the mere expense of over sixteen dozen immortal souls being cast into the netherworlds. “Jeg er ydmyk og æret over å igjen tjene som verdens fremste forverrede ekspedisjonsekspert [I am humbled and honored to once again serve as the world's premier aggravated trespassing expert],” read a statement from the revered reindeer musher in his native Norwegian that sources believe was written from his temporary asylum in Minsk, Belarus, a country that has been ranked as high as No. 57 in FIFA’s world rankings. “Jeg ønsker å utvide min dypeste og mest dype sympati for de modige innsatte som skaret seg gjennom veggen av fengselsvakter. Jeg skylder dem både mitt liv og min takknemlighet, og de vil motta ekstra wildberry Skittles i deres toalettskåler på julemorgen [I want to extend my deepest and most profound sympathies for those brave inmates that shanked their way through the wall of prison guards. I owe them both my life and my gratitude, and they will receive extra wildberry Skittles in their toilet bowls on Christmas morn]." As of press time, the most notable names of those brave criminals who paid the ultimate sacrifice for ol’ Saint Nicholas’ personal sovereignty have been released: Charles Manson, Lil Peep, and David Cassidy.


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