NBA Releases New And Improved, Even Taller Shaquille O’Neal

NEW YORK—In a startling press conference last Wednesday, the National Basketball Association announced the release of an updated, new and improved, even taller, Shaquille O'Neal. "For years, we assumed we'd reached peak Shaquille. We respected our limits. And how foolish we were," said an NBA representative, unveiling the new Shaq at the lavish Met Gala. "We tried wider. Stupid. We tried softer. Idiots. The answer was in front of us the whole time." The new Shaquille stands at nearly 20 feet tall, an over 200% increase in total Shaq. Analysts expect this to improve his free throw percentage, as he will be able to lean over and simply place the ball in the hoop. Shaq was last seen looking solemnly out at the water's edge, his bright headband a beacon for sailors and wanderers alike.
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