Christmas Cancelled After Santa Confesses to 1997 Murder of Tonya Harding

NORTH POLE—After Christopher Kringle gave a shocking confession that he had, in fact, murdered famed and beloved Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding on that fateful night in 1997, Norwegian sources report that, barring any last-minute heroics from the elves, Christmas will, unfortunately, be cancelled this year. “After years of hiding the truth from everyone, I just could not live with this guilt any longer,” a somber Saint Nick wrote in a statement before being hauled away for what will likely amount to a life sentence. “I may feel great remorse for the pain that I caused friends and family of that sweet woman, but I don’t regret my actions. Nobody—and I truly mean that, nobody—fucks with my gal Nancy Kerrigan.” At press time, a soon-to-be widowed Mrs. Claus found that life no longer serves much purpose, for you see, her whole life had been devoted to her cherished husband of seventeen centuries, and now that he’s gone, well, she can’t find much more to hang onto in this life.


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