Obama in cold sweats after three months without deporting a single child

BELIZE—Following a three month dry spell from deporting undocumented workers and their families, former President Barack Obama has reportedly begun to experience symptoms of withdrawal. “It’s just so hard to give it up cold turkey, you know? I’ve had such a fun time traumatizing Hispanic children across the country,” said Obama as he stared blankly at the rehabilitation facility brochures spread in front of him. “It’s so much harder knowing that the new guy is getting an even better high than I ever did.” At press time, the former president was found in an unresponsive state after a sudden relapse resulted in the family gardener being forced into an ICE van.
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