Student Organization Denies Girl into Club, as well as Blanket Fort

A recent development is causing a stir on The University of Texas campus this week after an honors organization, Psi Sigma Omega, barred a female student from joining their club as well as blanket fort. Anna Walsh, the student in question, said she met all of their admission standards from the 3.5 GPA minimum to the 50 hours of required volunteer work. Despite her best efforts, access to Sigma Omega’s epic blanket fort has been denied on the basis of gender. Airing her grievances, Walsh stated, “Boys are mean. I’m going tell on them. They’re going to be in big trouble.” In their defense, Sigma Omega issued a statement that the blanket fort serves the important purposes of promoting unity, providing a safe environment in which to eat fruit rollups and avoiding cooties, which Anna’s presence would compromise. “In 1972 we let a cooties infested girl into the blanket fort. It resulted in all of our members wearing deodorant and thinking Kate Hudson movies are good. We can’t have a repeat of that again. Also, she’s a buttface and wears gross makeup stuff.” Sigma Omega’s national chain commented on the situation, “Our organization does not discriminate. However, we do pride ourselves on fostering people of a certain prestige. When Miss Anna stated in her interview that she preferred kitties to lighting poop on fire, we believed she was not cut out for Sigma O?” This is not the first time UT has been accused of discriminating against minorities. The school has launched a full-scale investigation into the shocking allegations. “Barring girls from blanket forts? I thought we got rid of this kind of thing in the sixties when we broke up segregation in tree houses,” said President Powers. Investigations are stagnating, however, as the university does not know the password to gain entry into Sigma Omega or their blanket fort. “When we asked if we could come in, they just pulled the sheets tighter and said ‘go away’.” The controversy has resulted in backlash from multiple women’s advocate groups on campus. In protest, some have begun creating their own blanket forts. “It will be bigger AND better than theirs,” flaunted one activist “, and it will be made out of Eqyption Linens with high thread counts. That’ll show them.” “Who would want to go in a girl’s fort anyway?” responded Sigma Omega. “They’d probably try to kiss you or something gross like that.”

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