HARTFORD, CT—After a barrage of angry phone calls from his wife concerning his “lack of concern for their marriage,” beleaguered Senator Judd Lichen (D-CT) was appreciative of a furious phone call from one of his constituents instead. “The people of Connecticut actually care about what I have to say. Sure, their businesses might have been foreclosed on, but they listen. Brenda just bitches about how I forgot her birthday, again. She doesn’t see all this work I’m doing for the state,” Lichen told reporters after directing his staff to reroute all his wife’s calls straight to voicemail. “All Brenda does is nag, nag, nag—she never listens to what I have to say. My constituents want me to do well. Brenda just keeps sending me preliminary divorce papers.” At press time, Senator Lichen was reportedly seen pacing his office as he discussed his bill’s potential financial implications for Connecticut’s economy and his marriage.