Mike Pence celebrates inauguration with first blink of year

WASHINGTON—Upon hearing Donald Trump recite the oath of office to become the 45th President of the United States, Mike Pence, overcome with emotion, relished the moment by blinking for the first time since the end of 2016. "Golly, it's times like these when I just have to close my eyes for a split-second before opening them again for an extended period of time," said Pence as the blood vessels in his sclerae burst and congealed. "I don't know if you can truly measure these things, but I can tell you that when I saw my first-born son crowning, the most I could give was a half-hearted wink." At press time, Pence was thinking really hard about the AIDS crisis but only managing a squint.
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