Area man tries to masturbate louder than roommate can have sex

AUSTIN—UT sophomore Will Stevens has made it his mission to masturbate as loudly and violently as possible, in order to drown out the moans from his sexually actively roommate, Garrett. “After figuring out that blasting Chopin from my Bose speakers didn't quite drown out the screams of ecstasy coming from the next room, I realized that beating my meat would do the trick,” said Stevens as he tossed a pile of stiff Goldtoe socks in his laundry pile. “The thing is, I’ve masturbated so much, both my hands AND my member are completely raw. I might need a skin graft.” At press time, Stevens was seen unboxing a gallon tub of personal lubricant he'd ordered with overnight delivery.
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