I Quit This Travesty: There’s Pluckers To Be Eaten

Ryan Keith McCann, Former Senior Food Critic for the Texas Travesty

Sometimes, it’s good to challenge yourself.

However, if you’re challenging yourself by forcing yourself to eat something besides Pluckers Wing Bar, it’s just not worth it. And I learned that the hard way.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve taken a few breaks from the heavenly haven of Pluckers. I’ve reviewed GreenGos, UPS, ISIS, The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and even – most tragically – Buffalo Wild Wings.

After reviewing a variety of establishments, none of which ever came close to matching the perfection of Pluckers, I realized something; I realized that, exactly as I had suspected, there is no Pluckers but Pluckers. Quite frankly, I’m offended that the Texas Travesty would send me on such a hopelessly quixotic journey.

And you know what? I honestly hate the Texas Travesty for thinking that it was in any way ethical for them to send me to the pits of hell (*cough* Buffalo Wild Wings *cough*) every week just for the sake of a food review. I’m a human being. I have dignity. And I shouldn’t have to subject myself to the horrors of a meal that isn’t Pluckers.

In fact, especially compared to Pluckers, the food at the Travesty sucks. They rarely give me any food at all, let alone warm, fresh fried cheese or lemon pepper wings. They never bring me any drinks. The workers are almost never friendly. They smell like a Day 3 ACL port-a-potty and look like they belong on the new season of American Horror Story. They are lazy, manipulative, and about as funny as a wet sock. It’s time to throw that wet sock in the trash where it belongs.

From now on, I won’t be punishing myself every week by forcing myself to eat some non-Pluckers nonsense. And I won’t be writing about Pluckers; I’ll be focused on eating it.

So, my dear friends, I would like to thank you for joining me on my terrifying journey out into the world of non-Pluckers. I love you all, but of course I don’t love y’all even half as much as I love Pluckers. But I love y’all twice as much as I love the Texas Travesty. They are cold, heartless bastards with no girlfriends or boyfriends or chicken wings.

If you need me (or my autograph), I’ll be at Pluckers.

With love and lemon pepper,

Ryan Keith McCann

- Does the food taste better than Pluckers? In all my time at the Travesty, I was given food once (peanut butter crackers found on the ground outside of Jester West, which my body immediately rejected for not being Pluckers).
- Is it a better value than Pluckers? I’m offended that you would even ask.
- Is it healthier than Pluckers? My health has never been worse since taking a job with this publication.
- Does it have my favorite flavor of Pluckers wings? No. If anything, the Travesty has clipped my wings and now I know why the caged bird loves Pluckers.
- Is it Pluckers? No.
Not even close.
- Rating: 2 out of 5. The only good part of the Travesty was learning how to put my love for Pluckers into words.

P.S. Pluckers, if you’re reading this, let it be known that I will work for food. As far as my qualifications, I have significant skills and experience when it comes to eating y’all’s Lemon Pepper Wings and Waffles N’ Cheese and Fried Cheese, and really anything else that y’all serve. I live within walking distance of The Original location, am over 21, and have reliable transportation. Furthermore, I have all-star level stats when it comes to my Pluckers Points. Additionally, I have extensive expertise in advertising, having telemarketed for a comedy club in Dallas, where I mindlessly called people and offered free tickets for multiple hours a day. Heck, I’ve even won y’all’s ‘tweet of the day’ award multiple times (and there’s nothing I’m more proud of than that). So hire me please. I’d love to review y’all’s food a few times a week and make sure that it’s as perfect as it always is. I’d be happy to continue tweeting about y’all. Seriously though, guys, I’m a religious studies and history major, please hire me.

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