Ryan Keith McCann, Senior Food Critic of the Texas Travesty
Don’t worry guys, I missed y’all too. But let’s be honest, I missed Pluckers Wing Bar a lot more than I missed any of y’all.
Last week, I went out to Orlando’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter which was wiggity-wack compared to Pluckers’ wonderful wings.
But it wasn’t until after I got back from my trip that I realized the tragedy. While I was out in the middle of nowhere in a wingless wasteland, Junior Food Critic Nathan Simmons took care of the food review for that week.
As a Senior Food Critic for the Texas Travesty, I’ve come to expect a certain amount of respect and admiration and, of course, some great perks on the job. And that’s exactly why I was so troubled and devastated and infuriated that, in my absence, the Travesty sent Mr. Simmons to review the holiest of all restaurants, Pluckers, while I was stuck on an all-expenses-paid trip to Florida for some stupid Wizard theme park.
Don’t get me wrong; they did have food in Orlando. They have these silly little “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans” that includes flavors like booger, dirt, earthworm, earwax, grass, rotten egg, and soap. But while that lying son of a gun Bertie Bott claims to have every flavor, they lacked the most important flavor in all of human history – lemon pepper chicken wings.
But the true blasphemy hit me when I realized that Mr. Simmons, who is a great writer but not a perfect Pluckers eater, denied that Lemon Pepper wings are the best. He said that the best flavor is spicy mandarin… Spicy Mandarin…?! More like ‘Spicy Manthere’sbeenabigmistakehere.”
Even the title is problematic; he claims that Pluckers is “So Good It Nearly Makes Me Forget About My Dead Fiancé.” Excuse me?! “Nearly”?! Mr. Simmons, if you were actually at Pluckers and actually had functioning taste buds, you would know that Pluckers is so good that it can make you forget about any and all bad stuff happening in the world. We could enter a nuclear holocaust and as long as I had Waffles ‘n’ Cheese and Lemon Pepper wings in front of me, I’d pay no mind to the Armageddon. I couldn’t care less about whose fiancé died in a sandstorm.
I’ve dedicated my life to Pluckers, the self-proclaimed ‘home of the freshman 15’ (though, I’ll be honest, I’ve put on a little more than fifteen pounds thanks to Pluckers). And when I’m not at Pluckers, I put in some work at the Travesty too. And yet they repay me by letting some filthy Junior Food Critic visit the eighth wonder of the modern world.
And my editors messed up as well. How could they let such inaccuracies be published in such a prestigious publication like the Travesty? Mr. Simmons wrote, “The lemon pepper felt a little dry,” which is just blatantly false. Not only is lemon pepper not even “a little dry,” its deliciousness makes my eyes wet with tears of pure joy. Luckily for Mr. Simmons, I’m not in charge of the Travesty, because I would fire anyone and everyone who lacks the journalistic integrity to understand that Pluckers is perfect. In fact, if I were president, I would imprison Mr. Simmons in Guantanamo Bay until he had the basic sense to realize how flawless Pluckers is.
Back to my original review, if Harry Potter was really that impressive, he would’ve been able to eat Pluckers all the time – and yet there wasn’t a single Pluckers Wing Bar in that whole worthless wizarding world without wings.
- Does the food taste better than Pluckers? No. Surprisingly, Bertie Bott’s “booger” flavor isn’t very good.
- Is it a better value than Pluckers? No. I don’t have to take a plane to get to Pluckers.
- Is it healthier than Pluckers? Who cares?
- Does it have my favorite flavor of Pluckers wings? No. And, yes, Mr. Bertie Bott, I was offended by your misleading “every flavour” claim.
- Is it Pluckers? No.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars. How can a place be truly magical if there’s no Pluckers?