Pluckers is the bomb - ISIS is not

Ryan Keith McCann, Senior Food Critic of the Texas Travesty

For news junkies, it shouldn't be a surprise - shit's going down in the Middle East. ISIS has established a reign of terror in Iraq and Syria, even beheading journalists. In addition to conducting airstrikes against ISIS, President Obama has deployed 1,600 U.S. troops into Iraq. It's hitting the fan, to say the least.

Yet, for all the chaos, nobody seems to care about the real issue - there are no Pluckers restaurants in the region.

ISIS, a group so radical that even al-Qaeda denounced them, wants to establish a Sunni Islamic state. But while religion continues to be a point of conflict in the region, all sides seem to miss the point - God doesn't want us to kill each other; He wants us to enjoy Pluckers' Holy Mac (fried macaroni and cheese), together.

Furthermore, it's important to examine the financial burden of our strategy as well. Since June, U.S. operations in Iraq have cost $7.5 million a day. I go to Pluckers quite a bit, but I haven't even spent close to a million dollars, let alone seven million. Are you aware of how many Pluckers Points we could earn on a budget like that?! Additionally, the violence committed by the various participants has resulted in far too many deaths; how many people have died from eating Pluckers? Although, you certainly may feel like you've gone to heaven as you suckle on their divine Buffalo Bites.

Pluckers is the bomb. The good kind of bomb. Not the kind that kills people. The kind that's so delicious it'll change your life. And that's the kind we need. Until Pluckers Wing Bar can establish a significant presence in the region, the geopolitical situation can never be truly resolved.

Sure, I might be a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. As John Lennon sang, “Imagine all the people living life in peace and eating Pluckers for every meal and everything is perfect!”

Until Pluckers is accessible to humans living in all corners of this pale blue dot we call Earth, it's simply impossible for mankind to live in peace and joy and flavor. And, when that day comes, I'll make sure to eat as much Pluckers as possible, because I'm a proud American. I don't need 72 virgins; just Lemon Pepper wings for me, please.

- Does the food taste better than Pluckers? No. They don't have Pluckers.
- Is it a better value than Pluckers? No. They don't even have a single Pluckers restaurant.
- Is it healthier than Pluckers? Probably not.
- Does it have my favorite flavor of Pluckers wings? No. Again, they don't even have Pluckers.
- Is it Pluckers? No. No. Most definitely not.
- Rating: 0 out of 5 stars. Until the Pluckers regime can expand beyond the U.S., I don't think I'll ever be able to leave.

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