Ryan Keith McCann, Senior Food Critic of the Texas Travesty
After my tragic debacle at GreenGos (http://www.texastravesty.com/09/09/2014/how-greengos-goes-wrong-it-does-...), I decided to order delivery for this week’s food review. I’m no stranger to Pluckers delivery, pizza delivery, and apps like Mr. Delivery and Favor. So, being the open-minded eater that I am, I stepped out of my comfort zone to order Pluckers, not through the restaurant itself or through Favor, but through one of the world’s most famous delivery services – UPS.
Considering that the United Parcel Service is a global leader in packing and shipping, I called the local UPS Store (1101 W 34th St.) for my favorite delivery – Pluckers lemon pepper wings and cheese fries. After all, I’m pretty positive that no parcel is as perfectly precious as Pluckers.
According to their website, The UPS Store network has “more than 4,300 locations,” making it “the world’s largest franchise system of retail shipping, postal, print and business service centers throughout the United States.” (http://www.theupsstore.com/about/media-room/Pages/the-ups-store-main-str...)
Now, I’ll admit, I probably should’ve known that UPS doesn’t actually make and serve Pluckers – let’s be real here, nobody can copy the euphoric food of Pluckers. Notably, in their obnoxiously long list that ultimately just said “we deliver stuff,” they did leave out Pluckers. (But, in my defense, it’s the 21st century, who actually uses mail and stuff like that? Why not just download it? And trust me, when Pluckers can be downloaded, I will be the first to torrent their digital Lemon Pepper delights.)
Still, as the Senior Food Critic of the Best Publication in Austin (http://www.austinchronicle.com/best-of-austin/year:2014/poll:readers/cat...), giving up isn’t in my job description. (Unless it takes longer than an hour. That was the limit in my job description.)
So Pluckers usually delivers to my door in about thirty minutes, and it’s warm and heavenly and amazing and *insert endless synonyms of ‘good.’* With UPS, I had to go pick up my Pluckers from Pluckers, then I took it to the store, put it in a cardboard box with those little peanut things (What are they called? they’re kinda the shape of Pluckers Buffalo Bites), duct taped the box shut with conviction, paid them a ridiculous fee and swiftly strode home to wait for its arrival (excuse the run-on sentence, I eat a lot of Pluckers calories and this is the only running I do). Boy, was I hungry.
Turns out, the United Parcel Service is more like the Ur Pluckers Soggy…Service. My Pluckers parcel didn’t show up for another three business days. My meal was cold and smushed and – well, not gross, Pluckers, even at its worst, can’t be gross – just not very good.
Basically, UPS sucks. They don’t make or serve Pluckers, and they take forever to deliver Pluckers if you take it to them. It was an unpleasant experience, but when I took this job I knew it wouldn’t be full of dandelions and doilies.
- Does the food taste better than Pluckers? Nope, most of their food tastes like cardboard. But literally.
- Is it a better value than Pluckers? No. Terrible value and takes forever.
- Is it healthier than Pluckers? Who cares?
- Does it have my favorite flavor of Pluckers wings? No.
- Is it Pluckers? No.
- Rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars. The packaging peanuts tasted fine enough to save UPS from a 0 rating.