I must confess, it’s been quite a while since I first served as the Texas Travesty’s Senior Food Critic. But I am needed once again – now more than ever.
As 2016 approaches, let’s face it: we need Pluckers in the White House.
We need a president who can be bold, a president who can take the heat and still dish it out. Yes, my fellow Americans, we need someone who can handle a ‘Fire In The Hole’ while still being as delicious as Goldrush. Obviously, the answer is Pluckers.
With all the challenges that come with the Oval Office, we need a president who’s able to wing it. Since challenges can come in so many different variations, we need a president who’s not only able to wing it, but who can wing it in multiple flavors.
We don’t need a bland, flavorless candidate. Not again. We get one of those every four years. Now more than ever, in our extremely polarized political environment, we need a candidate that appeals to the wide range of Americans’ tastes.
We need a president who can provide us with an appetizer of Fried Pickles, a meal of Honey BBQ wings, and a dessert of Fried Oreos, and, after that, a president who can lead a bipartisan committee to figure out how to split the bill (don’t worry though, as a Pluckers Club member we have access to all of their terrific special offers).
If elected, Pluckers’ presidency would be especially historic. Never before have we had a chicken politician (though, let’s be honest, we’ve had more than enough chicken-hawks and chickenshits in office). We need far less fear and loathing on the campaign trail, and far more lemon pepper chicken wings and cheese fries on the campaign trail.
Pluckers knows how to serve the community – literally serve them. When was the last time Rand Paul took your order with a smile? When was the last time Hillary Clinton brought you chicken wings and extra moist towelettes? When was the last time Jeb Bush took your order over the phone, just so you could pick it up and eat it from the comfort of your own home?
Exactly. Those motherpluckers don’t know service. They haven’t fed America. They haven’t quenched our thirst. Not like Pluckers has, at least.
-Ryan Keith McCann, Senior Food Critic of the Texas Travesty
- Does the food taste better than Pluckers? Best food on the campaign trail.
- Is it a better value than Pluckers? It’s exactly what America needs.
- Is it healthier than Pluckers? Eating more Pluckers could solve our healthcare issues.
- Does it have my favorite flavor of Pluckers wings? Yes. All of them.
- Is it Pluckers? Oh wow, now that you point that out, yeah, I guess I am talking about Pluckers.
- Rating: 10 out of 5 stars. Pluckers for President 2016, and forever after as America concedes democracy to monarchy under their delicious rule.