UT Breaks Fundraising Record With Money You Will Never See

Austin, TX – Last Wednesday, The University of Texas announced a record-breaking $1.26 billion accrued from thousands of philanthropic donations, gifts and pledges that it promises you will never, ever see. "We can’t thank all of our kind donors enough for supporting us with $1.26 billion more to spend on-*cough* *cough*," said University President Bill Powers at a press conference announcing the record, coughing, the rest of the statement into the elbow of his new pinstripe suit.
“Oh this suit? Yeah, it’s the exact one Humphrey Bogart wore in Casablanca, cost me a fortune but I had the money so…oh yeah, the donation, right. This sizable endowment is going to help improve our university in so many ways.” When asked to elaborate on what exactly the school plans to do with this money, Powers began coughing profusely and beckoned for a glass of water before waving goodbye to the packed press room. While leaving the podium, he discretely winked and slipped a $100 bill into the hand of the next speaker, assistant dean Karl Miller. Powers then drove away in the iconic 1930’s Chrysler that Humphrey Bogart drove in The Big Sleep, an artifact estimated to be worth $3 million.
Speaking through diamond-encrusted gold grills, Miller stated that the money would be “allocated to very, very important behind-the-scenes type stuff. You may not see the direct effects of this money in anyway whatsoever, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Thinking otherwise would be solipsism. Trust me on this” He then pulled out two large stacks of money tucked into his belt and assured the audience, ‘This money? It’s in safe hands. Don’t worry.’” After making it rain on a front row photographer, Miller kicked off the fundraising celebration party by popping open the first of 200 bottles of 50 year-old Dom Perignon. “Cheers to the University of Texas being $1.26 billion wealthier!” said the assistant dean.
UT call center employee Crustin Dallman joined the celebration, saying, “we worked so hard to raise all of this money, and now it’s finally going to pay off in ways that we’ll never be exactly sure about.” Dallman went on to admit his blind trust in university officials to spend this large sum of money responsibly and in ways that specifically benefit the student body without any sort of financial transparency whatsoever. “Sometimes I do wonder exactly what our tuition is spent on but-,” Dallman was interrupted mid-sentence by Miller, who then winked and slipped $100 in Dallman’s hand.
As of press time, each member of UT’s faculty received a $1,000 bonus and a gift of a rare South American Macaw, while plans to raise tuition were also in the works.

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