Dead Snowman to Be Cryogenically Frozen

BURLINGTON - Joey Brandall built his snowman only two weeks prior to finding his icy companion laying in a heap of slush on his front yard. “The best snowman I’ve ever known passed before his time; he didn’t even make it halfway through winter,” lamented Brindle while picking up the snowman’s top hat and pipe.

Chilly Crystal, the name of the deceased snowman, had been Brandall’s closest confidante since the beginning of the winter season, until one warmer-than-usual Tuesday afternoon he discovered Chilly’s upper-torso lying on the ground next to his bottom half. Holding in tears, a mourning Brandall recalls his final moments with Chilly. “I kept repacking and repacking snow, trying to get him to hold himself together until it got a little colder outside again, but we both knew it was too late…he smiled that raisin smile until the very end, he was so god damn strong…”

Brandall’s next-door neighbor, Susan Kaufman, was witness to their close friendship from the beginning. “Chilly started out as a snowball the size of my hand, and I watched him roll up into such a kind, caring snowperson. He was so friendly with everyone in the neighborhood, I have a hard time believing he’s really gone this early in the season, it’s a such a tragedy,” recollected Kaufman as she watched Joey gently scoop Chilly’s remnants into a large plastic container. Brandall plans to preserve his snowy friend’s remains for a time in the future when his cheerful presence and spirited demeanor may be enjoyed once more. “We’re going to cryogenically freeze Chilly Crystal and save him from his own mortality,” choked a grieving Brandall. “When we have the technology, we can bring him back to provide classic holiday merriment all year round. He had always wanted to see a beautiful summer day, and I’ll be damned if I let him die before he experiences one.” Brandall appeared aware of the risks that may be incurred after Chilly Crystal’s eventual revival and the effects of spending years within a cold cryogenic state of solitude. “When he comes back I might be a completely different person, or even dead for all I know,” remarked Brandall. “He’ll have missed out on so much time that readjusting his life in an unfamiliar world of the future might be too overwhelming for Chilly to handle. But he’ll be back with another chance to live like he deserves to, and that’s all matters. I know he’d have done the same for me.”

As of press time, Brandall has relocated the snowman’s remnants to the shelf above the pepperoni DiGiorno in his freezer.

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