HOUSTON — Amid a quick, somber moment of reflection, personal injury attorney and Texas superhero Jim Adler reportedly felt a strong surge of melancholy flood his subconscious upon realizing that — despite massive success via television advertisement and word of mouth — an incredible sense of loneliness had only grown in recent months due to the fact that nobody had called his phone number, 214 or 817-320-1111 — once again, that’s 214 or 817-320-1111 — for any personal reason whatsoever. “For over twenty years, I’ve HAMMERED those big insurance comp’nies and made them pay for their civil negligence — yet I myself have fallen victim to an analogous sort of neglect, one within my heart. You see, I have never taken a Mrs. The Texas Hammer, and the resulting loneliness has broken me. I am nothing, and my death will serve as the only recourse from this undying emotional agony,” noted the beloved Adler before turning to a client of his and placing two hundred twenty-four thousand six hundred fifty-nine dollars and seventeen cents IN. HIS. POCKET. “My only solace in this world remains Bill Adler, the Texas Hammer, my asexually reproduced son, whom I love more than any jury that rules against a greedy big truck comp’ny. He will carry on my profession, my legacy, my crusade. In him I have found purpose renewed.” At press time, sources report a completely unhinged Adler had gone around town angrily tearing up tiny checks from big insurance companies before using them as cute little tissues once out of view.