HONOLULU, HI- Following an altercation with a fugitive of the law, noted bounty hunter Dog the Bounty Hunter had to be put down after suffering a severe injury to the ole leg.
“This is how Dog would have wanted to go out,” said Dog’s wife, Beth, in a prepared statement to the media. “It was always his dream to die at the hands of a violent criminal, and whenever he would have this dream, he would do this cute thing where his legs would twitch as if his dream were actually real.”
The fatal situation arose after Dog, 64, decided to pursue known leg kicker and ruthless criminal Grayson Allen, who was wanted for manslaughter. After spending weeks tracking and investigating, Dog and his team confronted Allen outside a Duke men’s basketball practice. During the ensuing altercation, Allen attempted to trip Dog, and in doing so shattered Dog’s kneecap and tore his cruciate ligaments. Writhing in pain on the cement of the parking lot, Dog was then put down by team members, who feared there was no possibility of alleviating his excruciating agony.
Tony Bonanza, the team’s medical assistant and Dog’s former best friend, ended up being the one to administer the fatal dose of pentobarbital. “I just feel so bad for the guy’s family. I was such great friends with him and Mrs. the Bounty Hunter. It just breaks my heart,” said Bonanza, tearing up as he reminisced over the time he made Dog sleep outside after he scooted across the rug.
“We were left with no other option,” said Mrs. the Bounty Hunter tearfully, stopping momentarily to pick up one of Dog’s old slobbery chew toys. “If Tony hadn’t acted so quickly, who knows how inconvenienced Dog would have been with that injury?”
Fortunately, the fugitive Allen was caught the following day. Like the monster that he is, he expressed no remorse for his crimes and taking the life of Dog the Bounty Hunter. “Honestly, fuck that bitch!” exclaimed a belligerent Allen, clearly still high off the thrill of finally taking down the most fearsome of bounty hunters.
Dog is survived by his wife and his two children, Duane and Balthazar the Bounty Hunters. Funeral services will be held this Wednesday at Ohana Doggie Day Care and Spa. Following the ceremony, guests are invited to a reception complete with refreshments and complimentary copies of Dog’s autobiography, You Can Run But You Can’t Hide.