Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 3 Years Until Proletarian Revolution

Punxsutawney — During today’s Groundhog Day celebrations, weatherhog extraordinaire Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby announced that there will be three more years of the free-market system until the workers of the world unite against the capitalist pigs once and for all. “This really is most unusual, but Phil clearly saw his shadow rise up to shake off the chains of oppression,” said Matthew Springly, president of Punxsutawney’s Inner Circle and Mr. Sowerby’s most trusted advisor. “At first I thought that he had fallen off the wagon—Phil had some substance abuse problems back in the 50s—but no, Phil saw what he saw. And I believe in Phil.” At press time, Phil was last seen hoarding guns and canned beets in his burrow.

Tags: 

RELATED CONTENT

March 3, 2013 BOISE, ID – After receiving an anonymous phone tip last week, Boise officials busted an underground prostitution ring... more
March 3, 2013 A recent development is causing a stir on The University of Texas campus this week after an honors organization, Psi... more
March 3, 2013 BURLINGTON - Joey Brandall built his snowman only two weeks prior to finding his icy companion laying in a heap of... more
March 3, 2013 Austin, TX – Last Wednesday, The University of Texas announced a record-breaking $1.26 billion accrued from thousands... more