Around Campus September '09

• No matter how long you stare, you won’t know if that Dasani bottle in your fridge is filled apple juice or piss until you take a sip.

• Student Government can pass as many election reform bills as they want. Nothing will ever stop the rampant corruption of Boss Liam Tweed and his goons at Tammany Hall.

• Controversy will strike the campus when it is discovered that the grant given to three UT professors to split a water molecule was instead used to produce four new “Bum Fights” DVDs on the Drag.

• People who accept free rides on tandem bikes will have their outlook on life changed, and also participate in group sex.

• Thanks, plus-minus grading! I’m sure glad that my effort in the classroom can now be more accurately devalued!

• Let’s have a moment of silence for all the top 8th through 10th percentile of high school graduates now languishing at UTSA.

• UT’s elimination of the National Merit scholarship will go a long way in getting rid of all those pesky intelligent people on campus.

• Students who text during class are really disturbing everyone checking Facebook.

• Dude, I’m not walking all the way to the fucking RLM.

• We may be ranked #2 in the AP Poll, but we’ve slid down to #23 in the “Fight Song Clap Rhythm” standings.

• Someone got a little freaked out at a Co-op party last weekend, and they really don’t want to talk about it.

• The yellow spaghetti sculpture by the Blanton will be replaced by a green rigatoni sculpture by Kinsolving.

• The best way to sneak alcohol into UT football games is to place it in your stomach.

• Students planning on studying abroad should probably learn how to study domestically first.

• Students in long distance relationships will discover that although absence makes the heart grow fonder, a creatively placed webcam does the rest.

Greenpeace? More like Green-please-get-the-hell-away-from-me-I’m-not-making-eye-contact-oh-goddammit...

• A cheeky government student will call their professor “a liar” during class in a politically topical manner, only to have the rest of the class demand an apology for his/her actions.


October 10, 2009 • I shall choose trick! En garde, you candy hoarding fiend! • I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is a non-... more
March 3, 2010 • Make sure to grab a free condom in the West Mall; the one in your wallet from two years ago is expiring soon. • White... more
April 4, 2010 • We should all demonstrate our dedication to green initiatives the same way UT does: by artificially re-sodding the... more
September 9, 2010 • Gregory, Schmegory. • Hey bro I’m kinda full. Wanna share this beer? • Jimmy John’s? More like “fast sandwiches.” • A... more