• No matter how long you stare, you won’t know if that Dasani bottle in your fridge is filled apple juice or piss until you take a sip.
• Student Government can pass as many election reform bills as they want. Nothing will ever stop the rampant corruption of Boss Liam Tweed and his goons at Tammany Hall.
• Controversy will strike the campus when it is discovered that the grant given to three UT professors to split a water molecule was instead used to produce four new “Bum Fights” DVDs on the Drag.
• People who accept free rides on tandem bikes will have their outlook on life changed, and also participate in group sex.
• Thanks, plus-minus grading! I’m sure glad that my effort in the classroom can now be more accurately devalued!
• Let’s have a moment of silence for all the top 8th through 10th percentile of high school graduates now languishing at UTSA.
• UT’s elimination of the National Merit scholarship will go a long way in getting rid of all those pesky intelligent people on campus.
• Students who text during class are really disturbing everyone checking Facebook.
• Dude, I’m not walking all the way to the fucking RLM.
• We may be ranked #2 in the AP Poll, but we’ve slid down to #23 in the “Fight Song Clap Rhythm” standings.
• Someone got a little freaked out at a Co-op party last weekend, and they really don’t want to talk about it.
• The yellow spaghetti sculpture by the Blanton will be replaced by a green rigatoni sculpture by Kinsolving.
• The best way to sneak alcohol into UT football games is to place it in your stomach.
• Students planning on studying abroad should probably learn how to study domestically first.
• Students in long distance relationships will discover that although absence makes the heart grow fonder, a creatively placed webcam does the rest.
• Greenpeace? More like Green-please-get-the-hell-away-from-me-I’m-not-making-eye-contact-oh-goddammit...
• A cheeky government student will call their professor “a liar” during class in a politically topical manner, only to have the rest of the class demand an apology for his/her actions.
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