Around Campus March 2011

• I play softball like I have sex: In really tight shorts and surprisingly well. Also, all my friends get together and chant for me.

• Women who hang out constantly will find their iPhones miraculously synced.

• As a result of a particularly fruitful Round Up weekend, quite a few Frat Daddies are becoming Frat Fathers.

• Fuck it, we’re going to Chili’s!

• This YouTube video is usually funnier... I swear.

• The sun is out! Welcome, back dude. A lot of people died while you were gone.

• Someone in your dorm is totally having sex right now. Gross!!!!

• My short film? It already has thirty views. Thirty.

• My girlfriend loves watching Bear Grylls. But when I drink my piss...

High, wasted jeans are becoming popular at co-op parties.

• I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can continue avoiding eye contact with people.

• It’s hard to re-roll up a condom.

• I was warmed up but I wasn’t like, cardiovascular warmed up.

• I love penis jokes. Minus the jokes.

• There’s a warning on q-tip packages now that says “Do Not Enter Ear Canal.” What are they hiding in there?

• More like balignant humor, am I right? Wait, you really think this might be cancer?

• Neon and not minorities were once again the prevailing themes of Round Up weekend.

• Yes, losing in the NCAA tournament was sad, but chin up Longhorns, we’re a swimming and diving school!

• I hate to say I told you so, but you probably shouldn’t have murdered that drifter.

Orange you glad the tower is glowing?

• Hey, I missed class this semester. Can I get your notes?

• Ever since I bought these adult-sized Heelies, getting to class is faster AND funner!

• I call them the ‘rents for a reason.

• Why has he been on that girl’s Facebook page for so long?

• A local stoner will regret how much money he loses in ATM fees at Ken’s donuts.

• I’m not cock blocking, I’m helping her pace herself!


September 9, 2009 • No matter how long you stare, you won’t know if that Dasani bottle in your fridge is filled apple juice or piss until... more
October 10, 2009 • I shall choose trick! En garde, you candy hoarding fiend! • I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is a non-... more
March 3, 2010 • Make sure to grab a free condom in the West Mall; the one in your wallet from two years ago is expiring soon. • White... more
April 4, 2010 • We should all demonstrate our dedication to green initiatives the same way UT does: by artificially re-sodding the... more