Around Campus December 2014

• The only thing I can trust anymore is my mama’s rigatoni
• I’m going to be the best man at your funeral
• Not even Webster can define me
• Santa Claus > Baby Jesus > Jesus
• Most racial slurs would sound so friendly if Cookie Monster said them
• I just wish you’d whisper cat facts into my ear as I fall asleep
• My body type is utilitarian
• I can’t call my drug dealer right now, he’s in time out
• I think I’m just gonna drop out and start working toward my honorary degree
• There’s always room for dessert, you dumb bitch
• Does Hallmark have a card for gaining refugee status?
• This isn’t my first rodeo or the first time I’ve pulled a set of spurs out of my face
• When men say, “How you doin’?” to me on the street, I’m offended more by the grammar than the sentiment
• A “California cyber breach” isn’t just a euphemism for what I did with your sister
• I don’t watch The Walking Dead, but I walk a lot, and I’m dead inside
• I want to be famous for my humility
• Paint me like one of your French fries
• One man’s trash is another man’s bag of someone else’s trash
• Play a Slayer album backwards, and you can hear them say “God is Love”
• You could have put a lot more work into my dissertation, Dad
• ISIS has claims to Iraq, Syria, and 34% of the Utah Jazz

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