Archives - 200904

Report: Over 30,000 unregistered sex offenders currently enrolled at UT

CAMPUS – A recent investigation conducted by a group of UT graduate students found that the University of Texas is currently home to more than 30,000 unregistered sex offenders. The extensive study discovered that indiscretions ranging from sexual arassment to sexual assault occur at UT on a regular basis, but continue to go unreported because they are considered a normal
part of college life.

Texans left with no choice but to commit Stupidest Act Of All Time

Idiot Consensus agrees: Secession would be fuckin' sweet

AUSTIN — After enduring three months of excessive federal-government spending and intrusions into states' rights, Texans, led by Governor Rick Perry, have been left with no choice but to do one the most incredibly stupid things ever.

During a "tea-party" protest last week, Perry announced his severe disappointment with President Obama, citing his unabashed dismissal of states' sovereignty as his reason for proudly supporting the most ill-envisaged, embarrassingly moronic idea in recent Texas history.

China enacts "One Grandparent Per Family" statute

Fraternity member speaks in class!

CAMPUS — In an event that defied explanation, Phi Delta Theta member Samuel Wilkins actually spoke up and answered a question in Andrew Mason's Gulag Philosophy class! Not only did Wilkins answer the question, but he was absolutely correct in his answer to why Solzhenitsyn wrote The Gulag Archipelago!

Mother just about had it up to midway between chest bone and clavicle

FORT LAUDERDALE — After discovering a broken lamp and baseball in the living room, local HR representative and mother of three Joanie Anderson, informed her two adolescent sons that she "had just about had it up to here," indicating that her impatience had risen to a spot midway between her sternum and clavicle. "You don't want me to get up to here," said Anderson, pointing to her mandible.

Eight-year old hurls rock at ocean for swallowing up dog

MYRTLE BEACH — In an outburst of emotional distress and uncontrolled anger, eight-year old Louis Wagner hurled a large rock at the Atlantic Ocean for swallowing up his Jack Russell terrier, Sparkles, in a powerful undercurrent just three days earlier.

Mall protest undermined by trip to Cinnabon

CORPUS CHRISTI—While publicly speaking out against a recent string of layoffs at Sunrise Mall, protesters suddenly became aware of the smell of fresh cinnamon rolls drifting out of the building. "No more layoffs! No more…oh, God…do you smell that?" said recently laid-off mother of two, Mary Flannery.

Man make fire, woman now want man

A CAVE — Last time sun go down, man get sticks and then rub them together. Sticks cause fire. Fire warm, food no longer red. Woman like this. Woman also say, "Like man's large arms. Large arms strong, destroy weak men and mammoth." Woman then add, "Only mate with strong man, get not sick offspring." Sometime after this woman see man with other woman, this make woman angry. Woman go, "ROOOAAARRRR!!!!!!!!!!"

All racist heard was "Blah blah blah, I like curry"

CAMPUS — Edward Hodgeson, finance student and noted racist, claimed he could not properly discern what Professor Mahesh Yallapragadda said in class Tuesday afternoon. "All I heard was, 'Yadda yadda, I like curry, et cetera," said Hodgeson, who has a history of ignorance towards African-American culture and is visibly discomforted by public gatherings of Asian-American students on campus.

Dirty money laundered at Ecomat

SOUTH CONGRESS — Local businessman and entrepreneur Jose Cervantes, 28, took a large trash bag full of filthy non-sequential bills to Ecomat last Tuesday in order for the money to be laundered. The bills, covered in taco stains and a faint white powder, were covered in stain pre-treatment and promptly loaded into the next available washer. "Just look at these stains…I don't know if I will ever get them out," explained Cervantes as he casually winked at Faustino Cervantes, front desk clerk and brother of Jose.

10,000 dominoes used to create most elaborate failed marriage proposal ever

TULSA—In what was initially meant to be a gesture of unrequited love and devotion, Mark Brighton's elaborate 10,000-domino set-up spelling, "Marry me Jenny," failed to convince his now ex-girlfriend to spend the rest of her life with him. "Where are you taking me?" said Jenny as Brighton covered her eyes and guided her into the living room of his apartment where he had spent every night of the previous week meticulously setting up $400 worth of dominoes. "Mark, I'm not in the mood for this." Brighton then took his hands away from her eyes, tipped the first domino, and watched as his girlfriend broke down into tears and told him that she was unable to understand him as a person and had to leave.

Career advisor tells graduating senior that he will die someday

CAMPUS — Jaded by the ever-worsening job market, College of Communication career advisor Matthew Stern informed graduating senior Jarrett Dow that he might as well not apply for post-graduate employment, because he is going to die someday anyway. "I told the kid he doesn't have a chance in hell of finding a job these days," said a scruffy, visibly inebriated Stern. "I told him, 'You're not gonna get a job right now, and you're probably gonna be dead soon. So I suggest you go throw a Frisbee, or whatever it is you kids do." Stern's existential crisis left Dow in need of answers. "I told him, 'But sir, I really need some help with my resume. I'm having a lot of trouble conveying my strengths, and I'm really hoping to find a PR company who will hire me in the next few months." Stern responded by performing a hand gesture that resembled the act of masturbation.

Guy that does not drink reiterates that he does not drink

AUSTIN—Chemistry freshman Walter Burress assured a fellow Laundromat patron Tuesday evening that Burress chooses to abstain from drinking alcohol. "I just don't need to do that to have fun," said Burress to Debra Hertz, a Government junior. "I mean, it's so much better if I'm not wasted at parties because then I get to watch all of the drunk people do crazy stuff. It's so much more fun to be sober; I can hardly wait until this Friday." Hertz was less than impressed by Burress' teetotaling. "The kid was there already when I showed up at midnight," said Hertz. "He didn't even have any clothes with him to wash. He was just sitting there." Upon leaving the Laundromat, Burress invited Hertz to play some Gamecube in his dorm room as he planned to just "chill and take it easy" that particular night.

Verizon "network" really tired of walking everywhere for commercials

NEW YORK—Growing dissent is reportedly developing among Verizon Wireless employees, dismayed by their forced long-distances walks in the company's commercials. Employees have complained of fatigue, cramps, and general soreness, and have considered union action if they are not replaced in television spots for the company. "T-Mobile has Dwyane Wade and Charles Barkley. They don't have to walk anywhere and they do a pretty good job," explained cellular tower technician Gary Johnston, whose selfless dedication to "The Network" has caused knee problems and will send him to an early retirement. "I'm hurting…bad....real bad…." Verizon is considering several candidates to replace the disgruntled "network" including Carrot Top, Tony Danza, and that one guy from the Shamwow commercials.

Attention whore also a whore whore

CAMPUS—It was revealed Tuesday that Kaylen Shimlathy, an attention whore who contributes excessively to class discussion, is also sleeping with two TAs and the professor. Shimlathy, the recognition slut in question, prolonged the lecture by explaining her father's view on the issues and shouting out responses to rhetorical questions. She then followed the professor back to his office after class and had intercourse with him on his desk. Shimlathy's promiscuity has been linked to her constant need for approval and her ambitions for the future. "I want to make sure that I glean the most I can out of these classes to ensure I am prepared to enter the workforce," said Shimlathy. "And in case I can't find a real job I want to make sure I can hack it as a prostitute." As of press time Shimlathy was studying with another student, Kyle MacLuper, who is an expert in both Sociology and finding men who will sleep with Shimlathy for money.

Campus Spotlight - Andrew Truman

Texas Travesty: Who are you?

Andrew Truman: Who are any of us, really? I'm just a guy that enjoys life and all its wonderments. I am most in my element when I am exploring this great world we live in. Thinking, dreaming, breathing. I am me. I gravitate towards others that can also find gratification in simply being alive.

Admissions Addendum: A Proposed Alternative to the Top Ten Percent

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Rejected Boardgames

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Craps and Frowns

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William C Powers, Jr Fan Fiction

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A Hot Summer with Wifi Jones

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This group project could really use some micromanagement

Good to see all of you here at Austin Java; I'm glad to see everyone made it by eight… well, except for Steve… who was 20 minutes late. That's OK; I'm sure everyone will make note of that in his or her group evaluation.

Holy shit! I have a dissertation due at noon tomorrow!

Oh my God. I can't believe I did this. I'm in such deep shit. I have a dissertation due at noon tomorrow and I've barely even started!

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow, or whatever

I shouldn't have been admitted into the University of Texas. As I entered my senior year of high school, I was fully prepared to take my illustrious 26% class ranking to some school in a colder climate and never look back to my home state of Texas. So when I somehow got into UT after applying out of equal parts whimsy and self-induced obligation, I put on the brakes and decided to stay in Texas for another four years.

Fifth-year staff member graduates, loses purpose in life

The year was 2004: election season was in full swing, Garden State tugged on the heartstrings of audiences nationwide, and a socially awkward freshman who couldn’t even make friends with his 13th floor Jester West brethren gathered up enough courage to submit a staff application for the Texas Travesty. Five years have passed since I started as an administrative assistant and worked my way up to managing editor, and without a doubt, working on the Travesty has been the pinnacle of my experiences while attending the University.

Point: Thank you, Travesty

My two years with the Texas Travesty have been two of the most rewarding years of my life. Before joining the Travesty, I floated around UT, not knowing what the hell I was doing here. I even considered transferring somewhere in the northeast to see if I could find some sort of personal fulfillment there. Then, one fateful day, I picked up this wonderful, amazing, hilarious publication. From that point forward, my college experience completely changed.

Counterpoint: Fuck you, Travesty

But seriously, what a colossal waste of my time this was. I'm about to graduate from college with a degree in bullshit. I'm not going to find a job anywhere. I've spent the past two years telling myself I was actually funny and talented. Now that I've come to the realization that I'm not either of those things, I'm pretty much fucked. Thanks for nothing, Travesty. Fuck you, Travesty staff members for reinforcing my delusions. And one big, giant Fuck You to you, the average Travesty reader, who wouldn't know something funny from an episode of Family Guy. Good riddance.

Adios, Amigos! (Goodbye, Friends!)

¡Hola! ¿Coma estas? Bien, ¿y tu? Me llamo Stephen Stecker. Yo soy de Dallas en Tejas. Mi favorita parte de el club de Texas Travesty fui mis amigos. Yo soy triste que I am leaving. Pero, yo recuerdo las horas escribo las noticias comicas.

Cuando yo (joined) el staff de Texas Travesty, estaba muy excitado porque me gusta El Onion, El Daily Show y mi perro. Mi perro tiene ocho años. Su llamo es Francis. Es negro y blanco.

Reciprocity? I don't know the meaning of the word reciprocity!

Since I was assigned as your partner, you've given me the same speech over and over. You told me "this relationship needs to be reciprocal" and that you need me to "practice reciprocity with you." Practice reciprocity? I'll have you know that I don't know the meaning of the word reciprocity!

Seriously. I don't know what that word means. I wish someone would explain it to me.

You should just forget about her and eat me

I’m really sorry it happened again, baby. She just doesn’t appreciate you the way I do. I know that it’s hard being lonely, but remember; I’ll always be there for you. I may not be human, but my two flame-broiled patties and extra jalapeños taste way better than companionship. You should just quit worrying about her and take a bite out of me.