BOCA RATON, FL—According to a new report released by the Coalition of Concerned Grandmas, up to one billion of the world’s children are tragically without access to proper levels of warm, buttery, homemade cornbread.

CAMPUS—Gender studies senior Clara Dunleavy lambasted local neighborhood Labradoodle Muttons for his blatant sexism towards his female peers. “He goes around humping other dogs like they are objects, there to serve his instant sexual gratification,” said Dunleavy at the weekly meeting of UTrethra, a university feminist organization. “Last time Muttons tried to mount another dog I had to tell him, ‘Get way from her, you chauvinistic pig!” Dunleavy cited Muttons as a case study in her senior thesis A Dog Eat Dog World: Gender-Roles in the Canine Kingdom.

NEW YORK—In a gesture of gratitude to U.S. citizens for saving it from inevitable bankruptcy, insurance giant AIG donated $225 million to a local charity in America’s name. The donation certificate was laminated, placed in a Hallmark card signed by top executives at AIG, and presented to the country’s residents in a public ceremony Tuesday morning. “Oh, thanks, this is really… nice,” said recently laid off mother of three Michelle Harrison to a group of grinning executives. “How thoughtful of you.

CAMPUS—After realizing that her cell phone was buried in her purse Wednesday morning, Government junior Linda Ackerman quickly held a banana to her right ear in order to avoid a tenacious flyer distributor in West Mall. “Oh, hey, I’m just walking to class right now,” said Ackerman into a piece of fruit she planned on eating for breakfast as she waved away volunteers for FACE-AIDS, pointing to the banana and mouthing that she was sorry she was unable to speak with them about the incurable epidemic. “What?

CAMPUS—As the inevitable discussion regarding dining choices arose on Friday evening, local girlfriend Shelly Connolly took a hardline stance against deciding the restaurant, as the psychology sophomore noted that she “always chooses where we eat and [is] bad at making decisions.” The then-hungry 19-year old detailed the event. “He asked me where I wanted to eat and I said ‘I don’t know, where do you want to eat?’ and he said ‘I really don’t care, where do you want to eat?’ and I said ‘No, I chose last time! You choose!’ and he said ‘Okay, we’ll eat at Chili’s,’ and I said ‘No! I hate Chili’s! Everything tastes like salt!’” recounted Connolly. By the time the couple narrowed down a restaurant area, classification, and price range, everything had closed, and they were forced to settle for Taco C, again. The two are no longer on eating terms.

BOERNE, TX—As two cowboys squared off at high noon, onlookers began to question the validity of the statement made by one of the men that this town is reportedly not big enough for the both of them. “Seems mighty silly to kill each other over something like that,” said local saloon owner Dave Baskin. “I’m not even sure what they’re talking about. Our town is prospering and we have plenty of space to accommodate these two fellas, plus more.” Baskin then added that the recent addition of residential zones in the city’s southeast region should allow for ample housing opportunities for both men. Despite protests from residents of Boerne, the man wearing a white cowboy hat shot the man in the black hat. He then proceeded to spin his gun into his holster, mount his horse, and ride into the sunset, ignoring vacancy signs on the Boerne Tavern on the way out.

Okay, guys. I’ve been kicking around this idea about this for a long time, and I think its time we finally take the plunge and do it. We know we all love music, and we’re all halfway competent at our instruments. Joey, man, you can shred that guitar just like Dave Grohl. Adrian, when you’re playing drums and endlessly ride the hi-hat, it gives me a slight headache. And not to brag or anything, but I can lay down some pretty mean scales on the boom-stick from time to time. So how ‘bout it, boys? How about we get together and form a shitty band?

Growing up, I went through plenty of “phases.” Luckily, my parents were kind enough to knock some sense into me to show me how wrong and sinful those “phases” inevitably were. For instance, what kind of modern-day success would I be if they hadn’t threatened to disown me as a son on my 15th birthday unless I denied my deep-seeded homosexual feelings?

Doug Benson is often classified as an "alternative" comedian. But the pervasiveness with which he's invaded the pop culture consciousness, first with his "that guy"- cementing appearances on Friends, Best Week Ever, and Last Comic Standing, and then with his marijuana-themed documentary Super High Me and debut stand-up album Professional Humoredian, would indicate that mainstream America is catching onto Benson's uniquely charming stoner sensibilities.

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Sure, lots of people in college play guitar, or think they play the guitar. Use this helpful guide to figure out which one of these tools you're hearing. [pdf, 1.1 MB]