Archives - 200303

SWT student born at 4:20 mentions it frequently

SAN MARCOS, TX — Part-time Southwest Texas student Anthony Johnson, who was born August 22 at 4:20 pm, makes frequent mention of his serendipitous birth. According to friends and acquaintances, Johnson expresses an enthusiastic pride in the fact that the time of his birth is the same that avid marijuana smokers have designated as the universal time to partake in the illegal activity.

"Shit, man," explains Johnson, "I just think its a pretty phat coincidence that I was born at 4:20 and I just happen to be the master of the doj'-too phat a coincidence to not let other people know about."

Aguilera's vagina tops Amazon rainforest

Singer's cooch named world's most diverse ecosystem

LOS ANGELES, CA — After a groundbreaking observational study of Christina Aguilera's latest music video, "Dirrty," researchers at the Center for Disease Control and UCLA's microbiology department have announced that the pop star's groin region qualifies as the world's most biologically diverse ecological system, a title previously held by the Amazon rainforest.

Eccentric student's backpack speaks at anti-war rally

Cute buttons and whiteout convey thought-provoking message

CAMPUS — English junior Janice Greltsch's elaborately adorned backpack succeeded in sharing a humanitarian vision with thousands of observers at a publicly held anti-war rally early last month. The backpack, an exclaimed supporter of pacifism as well as school supplies, was able to effectively extend its olive branch to the masses by the sole means of potently clever buttons and other peacemongering décor. Its recent inspirational impact was no surprise to Greltsch.

Bursar's office clerk lifts student bar

Drunken patrons lose their balance after display of superhuman strength

AUSTIN, TX — After an eight-hour shift at the Bursar's office in the Main Building, where she deals with students hoping to pay tuition fees and library fines, 36-year-old clerk Anna Bolick lifted a student bar in downtown Austin last night.

Appendix rights group installs graphic billboard display

AUSTIN, TX — Yesterday, a student-affiliated group called Jubilee For Appendi put up 60-foot graphic billboards on the East Mall, generating widespread controversy.

Michelle Branch, Lieberman, color beige form Triumvirate of Bland

DOVER, DE — In a move sure to incite yawns and blasé shrugs, teenage pop singer Michelle Branch, U.S. senator Joseph Lieberman, and the color beige have joined forces to form a Triumvirate of Bland, promoting comforting leadership, singing and songwriting, and minimalist home décor.

Dirty Briefs - March 2003

Thrilled Ninth-Grader Goes Up Popular Girl's Shirt

ALLEN, TX - J.T. Winti, a student at Lowery Junior High, recently took part in what he reports as "the coolest thing in the freakin' world" when his hands explored the sacred region beneath Lowery volleyball setter Lisa Travis' T-shirt. "I was really surprised," said Winti. "I mean, I'm on the football team, but Coach never plays me or anything. I just didn't think I was the type of guy she wanted touching her boobs. They were awesome, though." Both Winti and Travis have expressed some interest in another physical encounter at an upcoming pool party. "My friends are telling me I should french her, but, I don't know, I'm still into the boobs and that seems like something that should wait for homecoming."

Man Finds G-Spot Underneath Couch Cushion

BOULDER, CO - While frantically looking for change to cover the cost of a pizza, Gene Mangers stumbled upon a hidden treasure that was lodged between the cushions in his living room sofa. "I lifted up the first cushion, and there was a nickel and a Dorito. I was pretty excited until I lifted up the next cushion and found the G-spot," Mangers said as his girlfriend bit her lip and nodded, cheeks flushed. "This is awesome. I've been looking for this thing for, like, two months."

Bush to call off war

Insect in web inspires peace

WASHINGTON, DC — A monarch butterfly caught in a spider web in the White House garden convinced President George W. Bush to call off the impending war with Iraq Thursday morning. Shocked by the sight of a beautiful, innocent creature trapped by a black widow spider, Bush stopped and stared for over three hours as he rethought plans to take action against Iraq, missing numerous meetings and his noon pilates class. Tears streamed down the President's face with each tired flap of the butterfly's exhausted wings.

Consumers find Dodge 'Truck Month' perpetual

HOUSTON, TX — The title of Dodge Motors' heavily advertised sales extravaganza "Dodge Truck Month" has been deemed an understatement by 95 percent of mathematicians and 100 percent of calendars. Though the word "month," as used in the English language, typically indicates a period of time varying between 28 and 31 days, Truck Month's "incredible, red hot deals" seem to be advertised year-round, causing confusion and irritation among many consumers.

Honors dorms to be integrated

Entrepreneur wreaks havoc with 'honors on/off' machines

CAMPUS — UT officials have announced plans to integrate the honors dormitories, citing university initiatives aimed at strengthening diversity.

Horoscope - March 2003

Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

CAPRICORN

(December 22 - January 19)
The nostalgia will be overwhelming when somebody mails you a severed head.

AQUARIUS

(January 20-February 18)
That man who said hello to you in the elevator today has been stalking you for the past seven months. You'll wish you hadn't ignored his advances when your face winds up in 100,000 mailboxes opposite a coupon for the Wax King.

PISCES

(February 19 - March 20)

Hottie - March 2003

Gary

Cast member of Real World Jester Center

Oh goodness gracious, Gary! Where ever did you get those bright blue eyes? You're full of the spice of life, that's for sure! Will you be mine, you delightful cherub of joy? No, no, I musn't have you, for you belong to the heavens!

Oh My!

vital info:
Favorite TV Show: Three's Company
Favorite Position: "The shoulder to cry on, of course!"
Turn-ons: ponies, anarchy, and bicycles made for two
Turn-offs: chefs who wear hats

Local iPod sick of playing Avril Lavigne

CAMPUS — A local iPod declared on Sunday that it was "absolutely sick" of always having to play Avril Lavigne.

"Every time my owner puts on my headphones, it's that freaking 'Complicated' song," stated the iPod in exasperation to a sympathetic USB scanner. "And really, I don't even mind 'Complicated' too much, but 'Ska8er Boi' is absolutely horrible. I usually have to play that one like four times a day. I mean, what kind of artist rhymes 'skater boy' with 'see ya later boy?' It's absolutely ridiculous."

Mailbag

Concerns and praise from our literate public

Please search for me
I was just wondering if you guys knew anyone who might want to look for me amidst large crowds of people. I keep wandering from place to place making myself as inconspicuous as possible but I'm starting to feel like nobody even gives a darn about where I am anymore. I used to entertain the world with my whereabouts, but now I'm thinking of hanging up the old red-and-white stocking cap. Please come find me.
Waldo
Forgotten Trend

Don't wait, propagate

Intoxicated Movie Review - March 2003

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days

NouveauCabulary - March 2003

Bringing you the latest in hip verbiage

NBC Thursday night sitcoms (adj): 'cute' sass at its most irritating (e.g., models who refer to themselves as "feminists")

go clubbing (v): to dress up, wait around for somebody else, show up at a dirty bar playing bad music, pay too much for crappy drinks, try in vain to hook up with that hot guy/girl, wind up drunk in the corner, crying, bitching about men/women to a bartender just looking for a good tip, and go home alone; a charade

I'm not actually that much fun

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you've heard, I know what your buddies have told you, I know what you've seen in movies. I'm sorry to have to burst your bubble, but someone is going to have to do it, and you might as well get it from the source—I'm not actually that fun.

My body cast isn't the only thing that's stiff

Stop! Collaborate and listen, 'cause tha G is back with a brand new edition! Haha, that's right, boyz 'n' toyz, Grovah is back. Sorry about my recent absence, but everybody's favorite homeboy—me!—was livin' it up in the hospital, pimpin' his piece up and down the trauma ward.

King of sports strikes again!

What is up, what is up, with your stinky, stinky butt?! Ya think ya so bad? Ya think ya so bad?! You ain't bad-you sad!! HA HA!! You know I'm J.K.'in, doodsters. But seriously, I've got one question: Who rocks the B-ball? Michael Jordan? Shaq Attack? BZZZZZ, WRONG! Nice try, Brainiac! The answer is M-E me, b*ttfungus!! You don't believe me? Well, Okay, here's the story if you dude-suckas think you can handle the INTENSITY!!

The return of the chili bowl

A call to arms against the non-wedged masses

It's about time that the American public realized something: the mullet's out. It's overdone, past its prime, and just plain stupid. Relegated to the annals of pop-culture, it passed away last year and joined Flock of Seagulls and Jehri Curl up in the great salon in the sky.

There's nothing like something that's random and dumb

My ode to Joyce—with apologies to my readers

Who would Jesus Bomb?

So, would Jesus gorge himself on cheese, wine and his neighbor's wife like the French? Or would he speak up in defense of a Babylonian tyrant like the Germans? Je pense nichts, Siegfried et Roi.

If JC were around today, he would have the courage to act unilaterally. I don't remember the verses where he built an international coalition to support his leadership, or where he tolerated anti-American sentiment, probably because those verses are not in the New Testament since Jesus was not a man to pussyfoot.