WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to help maintain the nation's unwavering faith in his administration, President Bush has proposed a plan to bring politicians closer to the American public.

Fashionably nerdy sophomore thinks deep, cries

AUSTIN, TX — 19-year-old student/guitarist/songwriter/poet/Legomaniac/enigma Brad Lechter has been rendered all but speechless by a depth of emotions and the very "fucked-uppedness" of life.
"It's all so…painful. I mean, I dunno…whatever…" says Brad before restoring to the sexy silence that typifies his listless state.

CAMPUS — God visited UT Thursday afternoon after being told by His assistant that there were "delusional weirdos" preaching His word, as well as a "ridiculous amount" of Christian fraternities and organizations that had set up tables on the West Mall to recruit the lost souls who wander around campus.

Nora & Dora

Oh goodness! When the Lord hath made these heavenly creatures, He certainly did break the mold—but it looks like He didn't quite break it in two! These ladies are double the trouble and twice the pleasure. They may share a leg and a generous bosom, but they aren't lacking in the brains department! These deep thinkers have stolen our hearts as well as tantalized our minds. Somebody call 911—these hotties are on fire! Youch!

CAMPUS — The University prides itself in diversity and accessibility. This policy includes allowing any group of students to start a club with a fee of only $10 and at least three enrolled students to act as representatives. For this reason, the office of Campus and Community Involvement did not question Tyrel Johnson's motion to start a UT Mafia Club-that is, until the campus homicide rate increased twenty-fold in the months since its creation. As a result, Tyrel-or "Don" Johnson to his "family"-has found himself at the center of a campus-wide investigation of unprecedented proportions.

For those of you who skipped Bible study and missed the part with the talking vegetables, have no fear. The wonderful land of Hollywood has been gracious enough to give you a make-up lesson while whoring out religion for a profit: Jonah, a Veggie Tales movie.

away message (n): to attempt to be funny or heartfelt; to assume that people think about you when you are not around; a cry for help

room 237 (v): to make out with a decomposing body (e.g., "My roommate got so drunk last night that he room 237'ed that old lady in the tub!")

8 am class (n): a last resort (e.g., "I have to bring an 8 am class to my sorority's date dash! Maybe my BFF Josh can go! I can trust him with anything because he's totally in love with me and I will never, ever go out with him.")

This is something of a mystery to me: why do people want to invade Iraq so much? I mean I know there's the whole "chemical weapon" thing, but we're already killing what, like thousands of children a month in Iraq? At that rate, we just have to sit on our fat national ass for another few decades and we'll have killed them all. But no, we've got to blow them into little bits too. Okay, let's pretend like that makes sense...does it really matter that Student Government talks about it?

I don't mean to invade your personal space, but I would like to take you to a dinner and a movie. My Personal Fulfillment Quotient would improve greatly if you would accept my invitation. Please remember that my emotive self is fragile, and turning me down could be very harmful to my sense of self. Repeated rejection may result in entrenched self-doubt, sending me deep into a Shame Spiral.