President warns: "Just say no to biological weapons"

WASHINGTON, DC — President Bush has announced plans to joust Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein from power, according to senior U.S. officials. Lacking U.N. support to oust the foreign leader, an angered Bush vowed to joust him out instead.

Begin plans for epoch-defining vehicle with road-worthy sperm whale

FORD HEADQUARTERS — Ford announced on Saturday that it will decline building a second generation of the popular sport utility vehicle known as the Excursion. The Excursion is presently the largest sport utility made by American manufacturers, and some models have been known to transport both a Volkswagen Beetle and Luciano Pavarotti on the same trip. When questioned about the halt, Ford spokesman William Depolis labeled them as “petite, useless, and too small.” To replace the Excursion, Ford engineers are in the process of developing a new larger SUV based on the physical size and shape of the North Atlantic sperm whale. Originally the plans were to use actual whales hollowed out by a taxidermist, but the smell and lack of four wheel drive quickly exterminated that experiment. Currently, a design team is hatching a titanium-based shell rooted on the skeletal design of the whale, with an allnatural whale-white leather interior.

Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
You will hold a bit of diet soda in your mouth for a few seconds before swallowing. Enjoy the refreshing tingle of aspartame, as this will be the highlight of your month, and perhaps the rest of your life.

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Positive energy abounds; the world is your oyster. Unfortunately, your particular oyster tests positive for lethal levels of ptomaine.

concerns and praise from our literate public

My roommate keeps using my Instant Messenger screenname

They have set off Weapons of Mass Destruction in circumstances forbidden by UN treaty. They have a long history of communistic revolution and cruel despots. In recent wars, they hosted our enemies until we moved in to liberate. They treat Americans with consistent contempt—mocking our customs, frustrating our efforts to bring the 9/11 terrorists to justice, refusing to speak the English language to friendly visitors. Am I talking about Iraq? No, Mr. President, I am talking about France.

My novel stews, unfinished in drawer. My poems are bellicose and legion and all made of pure shit. My pen sits motionless—my sheets of looseleaf barren in their neat stack next to the typewriter. Yet I labor continuously, without cease, on the work that will place me in the canon—the Great American Away Message.

Why do they want me so badly?

Lately, on my periodic forays to class, I’ve been seeing these flyers for Disney internships. Now, say what you will about the possibility of spending a summer working for Disney, but how many things have you seen advertised on the wall of a class building that you would actually put any time into? I’ve been here for four years, and I’ve never met anyone who decided to go on a spring break trip, take a part-time job, or participate in a psychological study based on something they read on one of these ubiquitous glossy handbills.

THE DARK REALM — To the despair of investors everywhere, Hell CEO Satan has reported a loss for the third straight quarter. “You’d think with the state the world’s in today, the Hell Corp. would be in great shape,” shrugged the Prince of Darkness. “But to be honest, we’ve been in debt ever since the mid-80’s when we built the Plastic Ball Pit of Eternal Damnation.”