Archives - 200209

Floating Head of Bush Demands Fried Chicken

Stoners question selves, national leadership

AUSTIN, TX — Local stoners Chad “Smokin’ Scooby” McGraff and Jimbo “Skizzles” Maloney were stunned last Sunday night, when, according to reports, the glowing, disembodied head of President George W. Bush appeared in their Hyde Park living room, speaking in tongues and demanding fried chicken.

Local Student “Pimpin’ Hard” with Flowmaster

New Car Accessory Helping Student Get Laid

AUSTIN, TX — University of Texas freshman Carl Burwitzki announced yesterday that he got laid for the fourth time since installing a flow master exhaust system onto his ’97 Honda Accord. “I’m telling you man, it’s the aggressive race-car sound,” said Burwitzki of his recent success with the opposite sex. “With the Flowmaster on my car I’m pimpin’ hard.”

Freshmen Housing Gets Creative

CAMPUS — This year UT welcomes the largest freshman class in its history. “We’re glad to have each and every one of you here,” announced president Larry Faulkner to the incoming students. “We’re just not sure where to cram, er I mean, house all of you yet.” The housing problem at UT has grown more severe in recent years, as the top ten percent rule packs campus with homogenous white kids from the Houston suburbs.

Horoscopes - September 2009

CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
You will hold a bit of diet soda in your mouth for a few seconds before swallowing. Enjoy the refreshing tingle of aspartame, as this will be the highlight of your month, and perhaps the rest of your life.

The Travesty's Custodial Wench

Can words even begin to describe, oh delightful Sprite of Sanitization, how sincerely we appreciate your sponge, your mop, your glistening yet modest soap-pail? Perhaps someday we can afford more accomodation surroundings. But for now, oh Angel of Antiseptic, our basement will have to do!

Korea Reunited by Dance Dance Revolution

Mutual love for hit video game sparks Pan-Asian reunification

SEOUL, KOREA — The world was stunned last Tuesday as the nations of North Korea and South Korea ceased to be, replaced by a singular, unified land. Since the end of WWII, the two nations were divided by incompatible political regimes and ideologies, embattled and torn by decades of dispute. All of this changed last week, however, when the two nations looked beyond history and politics and found common ground in the popular arcade game Dance Dance Revolution.

Mailbag - September 2002

concerns and praise from our literate public

My roommate keeps using my Instant Messenger screenname
I just wanted to set things straight. I do not like little boys, and I haven’t slept with your mom. Oh yeah, and I’m not totally in love with Backstreet Boys. Seriously. I’m not. My idiot roommate keeps getting on my computer when I’m gone and pretending to be me on AIM. He’s such an asshole. It’s ruining my reputation. Plus, my warning level is always above 60% so all my buddies are afraid to talk to me. Hey, if SexyUTChik69 is reading this, please stop blocking me. I really miss cybering with you.
Tony Johnson
Freshman, Sociology

Martha Stewart Defects to Iraq

Stewart to provide decorating tips, tyranny

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress is supporting a staunch anti-war stance after intelligence sources revealed that home-decorating and dinner party guru Martha Stewart has quite possibly defected to Iraq. “We first knew something was fishy when an agent spotted some odd embroidery on President Hussein’s trademark beret,” said CIA director George Tenet. Closer analysis revealed the flowery embroidery to read “Very Good Things” in Arabic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld grew visibly agitated as intelligence sources reported further evidence of Stewart’s presence in enemy territory. “Iraqi troops munching on seemingly endless rations of petit fours, tanks being painstakingly repainted and covered with a protective shellacking not dissimilar to what you’d use on patio or deck furniture -the signs were all pointing to her,” said Rumsfeld. “But we knew it had to be her when we saw this,” he continued, revealing to the public a disturbing surveillance image of Hussein wearing a pastel Martha-style pantsuit as he rallied a crowd of thousands in Baghdad last week. “Hussein’s supporters appeared confused for a moment, but then seemed to gain far greater confidence in the dictator as a result of the pantsuit. Stylish, sensible, and potentially lethal- that’s Stewart’s terrible power. We’re in bad trouble.”

NouveauCabulary

bringing you the latest in hip verbiage

Biggity-bounce: to depart with flare, style, or an extreme lack of dignity

L8er-Sk8er: indicates to the listener that the speaker has spent far too much time in the 8th grade or has a high school guidance counselor

It's a Manheim's World

Shout Outs from Rivahsiiide!

Sup sup sup, my mutha’ mutha’ fucks? Grovah’s back with a brand new ‘tude and a bitchin’ new poon-pad. That’s right, homeboys and hoes, I’m pimpin’ it up madskillz in my brand new furnished apartment in University Park College Commons off of North Rivahside!

The End of a Dream

My narrow escape from death to a prison called “fame”

May 4th, 2002. The late afternoon sun streamed into my boudoir, splashing across my rippling physique as I danced. I was in the midst of interpreting the evolution of amino acids to proteins, trying in vain to grasp their struggle to achieve peptide bonding; attempting, hopelessly, to envision the plight of a molecule structure capable of infinite combination and length. I curled up into a ball, symbolizing the static state of folded protein strands. Then I stood, toned arms outstretched, beckoning other proteins to join in my dance. Come, thrombin, actin, and myosin! Join me, bacteriorhodopsin! Cyclooxygenase: teach me how to fly! I pirouetted, folding my arms across my glistening body, becoming deoxyribonucleic acid—DNA, the Molecule of Life.

Where Are the Protestors When You Need Them?

What This Place Needs Now is Indignant Hippies

Hippies! Where the hell are you? What’s going on guys? I see the Green Party table out on the West Mall, and I see a couple of you floating around campus or hanging out on the South Mall, beating your timbe drums or playing hacky-sack or flipping devil sticks, but none of you seem pissed off.

That’s right—I finally asked for it, I want you guys out there, protesting.

Local Child Takes a PDO From School

HOUSTON, TX — Robin Young, a child of 11 years old, decided early Tuesday morning to take a personal day off (PDO) from school. Young came up with this decision at the very last second while watching cartoons and eating his coca-puffs.

UT Christians Multiply in Summer Heat

Sno-cones, “super positive” attitude praised as contributing factor

CAMPUS — Christians everywhere are now supplying sno-cones to passersby, not only as a means of keeping cool on hot summer days, but as a symbol for the teachings of the King of Kings, making His lessons even more relevant for today’s depraved society.

“Sno-cones aren’t just about ice and flavored syrup,” says one peppy Christian, nonchalantly thumping her Bible, “it’s about friendship. It’s about working with what you have. After all, Jesus built a bridge or something with two boards and three nails.”

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Iraq declares state of emergency for all wheeled vehicles

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions rise between the United States and Iraq, demands for carport construction materials in the Middle East has risen by over 4000 percent. This development came as President Bush announced his offensive stratagem at a press conference earlier this week: unleashing the beast known as TRUCKZILLA.

Garbage Men

A special message about garbage men in Texas.

Dirty Briefs - September 2009

Lord Satan Demands a Sacrifice of Flesh from Loyal Goth Minions