June 6, 2016 Disney ruined love for me. I’ve finally had to pay for my serial dating habits and even though I can’t lift a finger... more
May 5, 2016 AUSTIN—What should have been the night of Stuart Williams’ life and the peak of his open-mike career quickly devolved... more
May 5, 2016 HELENA, MT—After years of studying a variety of weeds, Dr. Albert Hodges has categorized local vegetation into... more
May 5, 2016
May 5, 2016 CUPERTINO, CA—The Apple advertising department recently hired Adisa Adebola as a full time hand model after noticing... more
May 5, 2016 DALLAS—Ron Samson responded to his 10-year-old son’s loving text today with ‘unsubscribe.’ “I love my son, but I didn’t... more
May 5, 2016 ALBANY, NY—Amidst the chatter of last night's evening meal, forgotten middle child Rick Chambers was forced to fight... more
May 5, 2016 AUSTIN—UT Sophomore Ian Nichols is still unaware he is in an open relationship with junior Emma Freeman. “At first I... more
May 5, 2016 AMERICA—Jiggling their legs and refreshing their newsfeeds, citizens this week continued to anticipate the upcoming... more
May 5, 2016 NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—A brand new box of lubricated, ribbed condoms marked for “Her Pleasure” is clearly overestimating... more