Report: Juul vapor actually escaped souls of Roanoke settlers

AUSTIN—After centuries of searching for the elusive colonists, area scientists finally located the spirits of all 115 original Roanoke settlers within every puff of that sweet, sweet Juul vape. “After hitting my Juul exceptionally hard one night, an emaciated specter dressed in Elizabethan garb materialized next to me in the Uber,” said Juul enthusiast and immortal UT PhD candidate Julius Honeybunch. The fashionable ghoul relayed the true story of the Lost Colony to Mr. Honeybunch, and his unfortunate damnation to the seventh circle of hell, which happens to be located within every Juul Pod known to man. At press time, sources confirm that most West Campus citizens are switching to tortured-apparition-free Phix vape pens, except for that one kid Kyle who's, like, really into that kind of shit.