Area man files libel lawsuit against the Texas Travesty

AUSTIN—In a momentous blow to both the beloved “Texas Travesty” and the lesser-loved Texas Student Media, area man Area Man has filed a historic lawsuit against the age-old publication after years of libelous claims. “Fuck these guys. I’ve been taking their lies and bullshit for over two decades now, and I’ve had it,” exclaimed Man in the midst of a normal, unremarkable existence. “I was just reading over an issue from March 2018 where they said that ‘I lived a full life despite Chinese finger trap situation.’ All that is just blatantly false; I escaped the harrowing Chinese prison Qincheng back in 1994 and have had yet to find solace in any aspect of my personal life or career as a travelling DVD salesman.” At press time, I have abused my responsibilities as a writer with an entire fake universe at my disposal by having Area Man eat his own shit.