John Cena only at this Make-A-Wish event to meet hot, soon to be childless moms

NEW ORLEANS—During a Make-A-Wish event at the hallowed New Orleans National World War II Museum sponsored by Church’s Chicken, noted World Wrestling Entertainment superstar John Cena—enjoying some leisure time before going off to battle for the ultimate honor at the later WrestleMania event downtown—reportedly graced the grounds to surprise youngsters like Timothy Berg, the impassioned WWE devotee and heroic ten-year-old smallpox patient at St. Jude’s. Yet, once the sixteen-time world champion laid eyes upon the sullen and melancholic mothers of these ill-fated preteens, Cena—who once starred as Ewan O’Hara in the beloved Psych episode “You Can’t Handle This Episode”—began to shift the focus of his attention toward the innate animal instincts buried deep within us all. “It’s been such an honor to help serve these little kidarooskis during their final days on this side of the Great Beyond, but, at the same time, I have needs just like everybody else,” noted an unashamed Cena—similar to the unashamed feelings of Ewan O’Hara when he selfishly wired thousands of dollars into his own bank account at the expense of our great military and attempted the extrajudicial murder of a rogue commander—as he broke out a guitar and began to serenade a group of the interim mothers with his own rendition of ‘Wonderwall.’ “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to seduce that Mournful Molly over there, where I’ll be sure to mention that my childlike and relatable persona can soon provide an excellent replacement for her sickly, emaciated chump that costs her thousands of dollars in medical expenses each year.” At press time, The Undertaker has appeared to beckon the young souls of these children into the abyssal void of eternal damnation, only to be fought off by the angelic ghost of our dear old friend Kimbo Slice.