Uncomfortable at a party? Light yourself on fire, experts say

GRAND FORKS, ND—Good news for those of us who can’t handle normal human interactions, especially at social gatherings: smart folk have determined that bursting into flames at the first sign of discomfort seems better than staying momentarily uncomfortable. “It would be far better to be a bundle of mangled flesh than to be awkward for 2 hours,” say scientists at the University of North Dakota. Finally, on the rare occasion we’re invited to social gatherings, we no longer have to fret about what to do with our hands or that excessive sweating problem that Mom swears we get from Dad’s side of the family. This is our best solution yet. So next time you’re with friends and someone asks if you “want to light up”, take them up on the offer!