Manspreading predicted to become Olympic sport in 2020

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—According to the International Olympic Committee, manspreading will leave public transportation and waiting rooms behind in order to come to the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo, Japan. Athletes will compete to see who can take up as much space as humanly possible while remaining completely oblivious to their surroundings. “It’s because of balls,” IOC president Chad Brennan mansplained to the female passenger next to him. “The men’s manspreading events seem to have more interest and competition, but the women’s manspreading teams have the unique advantage of using a purse to take up a whole separate seat.” At press time, damning doping accusations have halted progress on official development, but sports fans everywhere still look forward to seeing just how far these men can spread.