Local man lives full life despite Chinese finger trap situation

AUSTIN—Despite being trapped in a Chinese finger trap for decades, Gareth Altmann has been living a wholly fulfilling life. “Best 33 years of my life,” Altmann said with the slightest hint of regret, as he peered down at the frayed Chinese finger trap that had nearly become one with his being. Gareth is one of many victims of the notorious Chinese finger trap, and has been deprived of the use of his pointer fingers since 1985. “You’d think it would have disintegrated by now... But, no seriously, I can do it all. This is the life I always imagined for myself,” he said as he struggled to cross this interview off his to-do list using his elbows. At time of press, Gareth was spotted purchasing a Russian fur hand muff to cover his shame.