Area man named Michael, who is reading this article right now, getting pretty freaked out

WHEREVER YOU’RE READING THIS—Reports came in recently that Michael, a student at the University of Texas at Austin, is getting pretty freaked out while reading this article specifically about him. “Although you will show this article to your friends, thinking that it’s just a goofy coincidence, you won’t know who your real friends are, and who are simply our informants,” communicated the rather nefarious author of this article into Michael’s subconscious. “That’s right, we’re talking about you, Michael. We’re watching you—even when you think we aren’t. Like right now. Look to your right, Michael. Ha, made you look... We’re actually behind you.” At press time, our sources report that Michael’s paranoia shows no signs of improvement in the near future, as he has no idea which of the faceless people he passes every day are taking note of his every move